Struggling with the Bible (But Still Growing)

In this episode, I open up about my faith journey, my struggles with staying consistent in the Bible, and how my relationship with God has grown through it all.

Transcript

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Welcome to Living Out Loud with Beth. Here we talk life, love, food and desserts, faith, health, books, and whatever else comes up. No script, no stress, just me. So join me in Living Out Loud and Laughing Out Loud. Hey you guys, welcome back to another episode. This episode will be a little bit about my faith and how my walk has been. I don't think it's supposed to be easy, you know? Um, because honestly, like if it was easy and if life was easy, then we wouldn't need God. And what is life without Him? So yeah, so basically, um I don't really want to go to like all the way to the beginning. I mean, I guess I can give like a little mini like backstory. So I grew up Catholic. I am not Catholic anymore. Not that there was anything wrong with being Catholic. Um, it was just, you know, I think it's personal preference for everyone. Um, I felt like I didn't really have an actual relationship with God when I was Catholic. Um, so now I am non-denominational. Um, and I think that that just works out better for me. Um, but yeah, so like, you know, nothing at all against like being a Catholic or anything. I I think it just goes where like you feel like you would have the strongest relationship with God, you know. Um, but yeah, so my walk has not been easy. Again, not you know, no one's no one's walk is easy. So I I feel like I there's always different seasons. So I'll have seasons where I am super, super consistent, um, where I'm doing all the things, right? Like I'm going to church every single Sunday, I'm involved in the community, I make sure I wake up and pray and journal, read my Bible, like literally just do all the things. And then there's the seasons where I wouldn't say that I'm not doing anything at all, like definitely still, you know, attending church. It may not be every single Sunday, um, but like I still attend. Um, and then there's times where I'm like, I may not wake up and I'll still pray for sure. Like, I, you know, the first thing you do, like for me, I'm like, I need to make sure I at least say thank you to God. Like, even if it's not a full-blown prayer, just the say just saying thank you is enough. Um, so I'll at least do that, but I may not go into my full um like journaling and reading the Bible in that morning. Um, sometimes I do it, you know, seven days out of the week, sometimes it's five, sometimes it's four, sometimes it's three, whatever. Like, but I think what matters is just doing it. Yes, it is better to be more consistent. It is better if I do it all seven days out of the week, but I think that it shouldn't just be about like checking something off of a list. I don't want it to feel like, oh, like let me just do this, let me just get it done, get it out the way. I don't want it to feel like that. I don't want anything that I'm doing that has to do with God and like I don't want it to feel like like you know, something rushed. Um I want to actually feel like I'm sitting still and like being able to enjoy my time with him. Um, so yeah. So the season that I'm in right now, um, or let's say the season I was in like before this, I was it was definitely one where it wasn't super, super, super consistent. I was still doing the things, but it just wasn't as consistent as I was before. Um, but right now I'm definitely getting back into the uh into being consistent. So I am now doing my journaling every morning again. Um, I'm getting back into reading the Bible every morning again. And again, it's not like I wasn't doing the thing at all. It's just it wasn't happening as often as it used to. Um, just because, you know, I mean, life gets busy, right? Like life gets busy. I feel like I've been tired. So it's like waking up in the early in the morning and like trying to get it done like before logging into work or sometimes even at night. Like honestly, like I feel like my my reading, like because I've been reading, you know, books and stuff. I feel like I'll get so caught up in reading my books, then I end up falling asleep. So if I wanted to read my Bible at night, I end up falling asleep before I even get to read the Bible. Like, um, but I'm now in a different like space where I am back to doing my mornings. Um, I think the working out has helped. Like, I'll go to go to the gym in the morning or go to my workout session in the morning, and I'll come back home, get ready and everything, and still have enough time before logging into work. So then that time in between, I'm able to, you know, spend time with God. Um, there are days where like I'll like I used to like sit in the closet sometimes. Like I know people have like a prayer closet, which I think is so cool. I think one day I definitely would want to do that. Um, I would call my closet a prayer closet, even though it's just a you know, basic closet with clothes in it, but I would go sit in there and like pray, spend time with God. And like it was so cute because like my dog Lula would also come in the closet with me to the point where she now also spends most of her time in the closet. It's so cute. Like, because I left a little blanket in there for her, so she'll just go in the closet and like sleep for hours. Um, but yeah, so right now I, you know, go work out, come back home, get ready, and then I um I will pray, I journal. And for the journaling, so obviously God already knows what's going on in life, right? But I think it's cool to like write it down. So it's like writing it down for him, but also for you. Um, so I just like write down everything that's been going on in life, and obviously, if I journal the day before, not that much has happened, but I can still elaborate on the little things that has happened. Um, and then what else? Oh, and then I read my devotional. So I have a bunch of different devotional books. Um, so I'll kind of just like pick one to read from, and then I will read my Bible. So I'll try to do like one to two chapters a day. And so let's get into me and reading the Bible. Um, guys, it has been a struggle, okay. I I wish I can say, like, I am 30 years old. I'm going to be 31 this later on this year. I wish I can say that I have read the Bible from front to back, but I have not. I haven't even read it from back to front or from what is it like the chronological order, or we're there's another one that starts with a C, I think. Like, I just haven't read the whole entire Bible in its entirety, like, and I I want to get to that point. Like, I have read all of the New Testament, right? Because the New Testament was interesting. For me, the Old Testament is a struggle, and you can't just like skip over stuff, right? Like, you can't just say, like, oh, like, let me just try to get to the important things. Like, it's the Bible, everything in the Bible is important, like it was written for a purpose. So I'm trying to get through the old testament, guys. I have tried so many times. I'll start, then I'll stop, and then I'll just go into like I'll find a specific book in the Bible in the Old Testament to read, but I won't read it, like I haven't read it from the very first book all the way to the last book of the Old Testament. So that is my current, that is currently what I'm trying to do. I honestly do not remember when I started reading the Old Testament, like this time around. It has been a minute, and I'm still I still have a ways to go. Um but you know, like it's not it's not a rush, right? Like, I don't want to just read it just to say I read it. I want to read it and feel like I like learned something from it, that I understood things. Um, but there are still things, you know, to be honest, like there are still things that I don't fully understand, even while I'm reading the Bible. Um, and I'll like read and like like I'll sit and highlight, I'll read the study Bible. I have I've done the thing where um there's this girl on YouTube, like she'll kind of go through each book um chapter by chapter. So I'll go through that, like I'll um, you know, read a chapter and then go on YouTube and type in like okay, um Esther chapter five, and then see who was speaking about that chapter. Um kind of just like take notes. Um, I haven't done that though. So lately I've basically just been just reading myself, reading, highlighting, reading the um the notes in the study Bible. And I mean that's been good so far. It's just again, this I've just been struggling. Um I actually just recently got into oh wait, so I also heard that trying to listen to the Bible might also be helpful. I have tried that, it was it was okay for me. Um I don't know that I would be able to because I feel like yes, I'm I'm listening to it, but it's kind of just going in one ear and out the other, if that makes sense. Like I feel like I was just like letting it play just to play. Um, so to me, I didn't feel like I was actually reading. Um so right now I'm in Esther, and again, I'm just you know reading it myself, highlighting, um, reading the notes in the study Bible. I was struggling through, I don't know if I'm gonna say this name right. Um, the book of Nehemiah. Is it Nehemiah or Nehemiah? It's N-E-H-E-M-I-A-H Nehemiah. You know, okay, yeah. I was struggling through that book. It's just a lot of the books are just like, like, there's a lot of like the laws and like the the family names and the process of building something like oh yeah, like we needed uh um gold for this and the this and the purple and the that, and and I'm like, okay, I get it, but can we get to the other stuff? You know, it's it's honestly been a struggle, and I'm just being completely honest. There are some people who actually really, really enjoy the old testament, and that's good. I wish I could be one of those people. I just I'm just not there. Like, I I still want to I want to learn, I want to read it, and I want to understand it. I just it's just a struggle for me, honestly. Um, but yes, I just can't wait. Like, even though I already read the New Testament, I do want to read it again. So the plan is to try to go through the entire Bible front to back. So finish the Old Testament and get to the New Testament and read it again, even though I already read it. Because I don't think the Bible is something that you need to read only one time. Like, it shouldn't just be something that you read only one time. Like, like if the Bible took you one year to read it, if you read it at age, I don't know, let's say 20, by the time you're age 50, like, do you really remember everything that happened when you read it when you were 20? You know, like I think do little refreshers or read it again front to back or however you guys read it. Um, but honestly, how are you guys reading the Bible? Because I like at least how are you guys getting through the old testament? If you have read the entire Old Testament, how did you get through it? Because I'm I'm honestly I'm trying to find like you know, whatever way is best to help get through it so that I can actually finish the whole thing. Um and when I say the old testament isn't as interesting, for me, it's only the books that like like for example, okay, so the book of Samuel was good. Um, the book of Esther is good. Um, Esther comes, I mean, Job comes after Esther, but I did read the book of Job. Like I I would pick and choose, like back in the days, or not back in the days, but like a few years ago when I would attempt um the Old Testament, I would kind of just like pick and choose what book in the Old Testament to read. Um, so the book of Job was good, uh, Psalms is good, Proverbs, like those were good, but and obviously Genesis and stuff, but like let's see. Let me see if I can give you guys an example. Um, like, okay, for example, oh my gosh, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, those books, I was struggling. I think Judges as well, I was struggling. Ooh, I'm pretty sure first and second kings, I was struggling. So honestly, I've I struggled a lot. So I yeah, I'm in Esther right now. Um, I'm excited for Job, Psalms, Proverbs. I mean, the entire Bible is important, and I should be excited about all of them, all of the books. But I just again, I'm just being honest. The old testament just doesn't it doesn't hit as much as the New Testament does, but there is so much in the Old Testament, like there is a lot of good in the Old Testament. Um, but yeah, so I'm currently in the book of Esther, and it's definitely really good right now. It's it's kind of giving drama, you know. Um, but yeah, okay, so my relationship with God, um I think it is so so important to not just like do the things, right? Like don't just do the don't just go to church, don't just oh let me read my Bible, just read my Bible. Like, no, like I think it's important to actually know God and to speak to him and want to have a relationship with him because honestly, literally nothing in this world matters without him. I think that's a song. Um, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's a song. I can't remember the name of the song, but yeah, nothing in this world matters without him. Like, he is literally the reason for us breathing. Um, he breathes life into us. Like, how could we not want a relationship with him, you know? So live your life like basically thanking him. Um, yeah, like so. You know how I keep saying that I've been consistent, like there's seasons where I'm consistent, there's seasons where I'm not as consistent. Um, well, God is completely consistent, like he is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. So the love that he has for us is so consistent. So it's like if he can love us every single day, regardless of all the foolishness that we do, why can't we show him that consistently? You know, like I literally like it's just I feel like even though I haven't been as consistent sometimes, I feel like he still has his arms wrapped around me. Like I feel like he like threw a blanket over me and I'm like just I'm covered. But I'm not covered. It's not like I'm covered and I'm like, oh, but I don't have to do anything. No, I'm covered and I still want to, I still want to wake up and thank him. I still want to, you know, like worship him and stuff like that. Like, yes, even if I didn't journal uh two nights ago or two mornings ago, or if I didn't read my my Bible two mornings ago, I think he's he's like, I mean, yeah, I want you to, daughter, I want you to do the things, but like as long as like you still have a relationship with me, I feel like that's what really matters, you know? Um, but yeah, so also in terms of praying, I feel like I used to be so um nervous to pray for other people, um, just because again, I don't like attention. And I feel like with praying, to me, it was just always so intimidating. I was like, I my prayer may not sound as like sophisticated as someone else's prayer, but I had to get over that because God is not looking for a sophisticated prayer, like he's just looking for prayer. Um, so I had to start practicing by again the journaling. The journaling helped. I had a regular journal and I had a prayer journal. Um, so the prayer journal is where I would literally write out the prayers and I would say them out loud after. And that helped me to get used to basically saying a prayer out loud, and then I would start praying for people. Um, you know, like if if somebody asked, of course. Um, and I mean it's still, you know, I'm not gonna say that like, oh, I'm I'm not nervous at all anymore. I I for the most part got over it. Um, but yeah, like just don't think that like your prayer needs to be this 30-minute long, super amazing. Use all the big words prayer. Um, prayer is prayer. Um, like you are literally talking to God. You are you're talking to him, you're thanking him, you are um asking him. Like he's literally our he's our father. So like talk to him like he's right there in front of you. Um, I love love worship, you guys. I I can worship. Listen, I will have a concert in my house, in my car. Like, I love worship. I love going to church. When I go to church, I do my very best. I mean, I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I am a little late, but like for the most part, I try to make sure I get there like the minute church starts or like a few minutes before because I want to worship, but it's not just like because you don't have to go to church just you know to worship, you can worship at home, but there's just something about worshiping with other people, like being around other people and worshiping. Oh my gosh, like I went to um the elevation, the elevation concert a few years ago, it was amazing, amazing, just hearing everyone's voices, beautiful. Um, but yeah, so I love worship. Uh, I told you guys about my the struggle bus with trying to get through the old testament. Um, I of course, you know, we'll do an episode. I will, you know, I'm gonna try to get through Esther. Well, I will. It looks like I'm looking at my Bible right now and it looks like I'm actually almost done with Esther. So by the time I do another episode on faith, I will probably be in the book of Job because it looks like Job is a little long. So I will give you guys an update then. Um, but yeah, I hope this has been a good episode on my faith. I hope, you know, everyone's faith journey is different. There is no perfect way to do it. What matters is just that, you know, you are doing it. Um, and just you know, just start. Like, um start, have community around you, have people to help you be accountable, um, people that you can pray with, pray for, pray over, um, ask them to pray for you, worship, like just, but most importantly, like literally just just talk to God, like have a relationship with Him. Um, yeah. But okay, I think that's it, guys. I will talk to you guys in the next episode. Bye, guys. That's it for today's episode of Living Out Loud with Beth. Thanks for hanging out with me. Until next time, keep living out loud and laughing out loud.